Forgiveness is a Choice and Yes, it is a Selfish Act

We are all subjected to pain, specifically emotional harm inflicted by others. It's an unavoidable aspect of being human. Perhaps you were bullied in school. Or betrayed by someone you loved.

You can't avoid being hurt at some point in your life, no matter how hard you try to avoid it. What you can control is how you react to what happens to you.

Do you seek vengeance, the mythological "eye for an eye," or do you choose to forgive? That option is always available, no matter how difficult it may appear.

But what exactly does it mean to forgive? Forgiveness is typically regarded as a saintly or gentle act: it is regarded as letting individuals off the hook or neglecting to hold them accountable for their actions. However, this is incorrect. In fact, the main reason you should forgive the person who has wronged you is selfish: it will set you free.

Telling your story is the first step on the Fourfold Path to Forgiveness.

When you write down your experiences, you are offering your point of view on what happened. Telling your story assists you to process and integrate the events. It also gives you the opportunity to recover your dignity. You may have had no control over what occurred, but you can build your own story about it.

It has been scientifically shown that knowing one's family history makes youngsters more resilient. In the 1990s, researcher Marshall Duke developed the "Do You Know?" quiz. It was distributed to a group of children who were tasked with answering 20 questions about their family history. Follow-up research revealed that the children who completed the questionnaire were happier and more resilient, and fared better with traumatic events such as the Twin Towers terrorist assault. Knowing their family background, whether positive or negative, helped them manage.

How can you start telling your own experience as the first step toward forgiveness? First and foremost, allow yourself some time. You will most likely be unable to make sense of what happened to you in the early aftermath of an upsetting or traumatic occurrence. As you recover from the shock, your experience may be fractured or hazy.

When you're ready to talk about it, talk to someone you trust. Maybe it's a family member, a good friend, or a trusted minister. Keep in mind that telling your story is a work in progress. It will evolve over time, and possibly even with each recounting. You may remember fresh details as time passes. Or you may notice that certain components of the story have become less important.

You may feel compelled to relate your experience to the perpetrator - the person who actually harmed you. If the perpetrator is also willing to engage in that conversation, it may be a very effective process. However, keep in mind that people are frequently defensive and terrified, or otherwise unwilling to face up to what they've done. They can be more concerned with defending themselves than with hearing what you have to say. If you do decide to talk to them, keep your expectations in check. You can't guarantee they'll respond positively, but you can convey your story.

Identifying where it hurts is the second step on the Fourfold Path to Forgiveness.

You began to express what happened to you in the first step of the process. The next step in the process is to express exactly how you have been harmed. This level goes beyond facts and into the emotions that underpin them.

Are you embarrassed? Or are you enraged? Or have you been hurt by a betrayal? These feelings can worsen if you do not address them. After all, it's impossible to let go of something you can't define. As a result, this stage of the procedure is critical.

Mpho Tutu knows all too well about this from her work with survivors of sexual abuse. She frequently meets young ladies who have been shamed or terrified into silence about what occurred to them. They've never had the opportunity to go with their sadness and rage. Only by giving them the room to safely recognize and experience their emotions will they be able to begin the healing process.

You enter vulnerability by naming your wounds. You may be accustomed to dulling your emotions through drinking or other unhealthy habits. Perhaps you've learnt to distance yourself from them entirely. It may be difficult to reconnect with your emotions again. You may feel unsettled and raw. However, those sensations indicate that you are in the midst of healing.

Remember, there are no bad feelings. Your healing journey will be unlike everyone else's. Your sole task is to recognize the emotions that are genuine to you. Expect to experience sadness during this process, as well as stages such as denial and rage before reaching acceptance.

Make sure you have someone to talk to who will listen to you and acknowledge your feelings without trying to repair the situation. Someone who realizes that all you need is someone to offer you their undivided attention.

The third stage is to consciously choose to forgive.

The third and most important step on the Fourfold Path is to forgive the person who has harmed you. You will be stuck in steps one and two if you do not complete this step. Forgiveness may appear to be a saintly characteristic that only a few people possess. But that is not the case. It is, in reality, a practice.

Every day, we all practice forgiveness. Consider when your child smacks you over the head with a wooden block. Your first reaction may be to bash them back. Instead, you inform them that they hit you and it hurt. And that you realize they didn't mean to hurt you, but they should be more cautious the next time. You've just completed a cycle of forgiving.

The key to forgiveness is remembering your motivation, which is to break free from a lifetime of victimhood. You give yourself agency in the process of forgiving. And the opportunity to tell a fresh story.

To be able to forgive, you must first recognize the humanity in the person you are forgiving. You will be able to empathize with them if you begin to see them as complicated humans rather than monsters.

Forgiving someone does not imply that you agree with their behavior. This does not imply that you will not hold them accountable. It just implies that you've resolved to break free from them, to stop being a victim in the story. It is possible to choose forgiveness. And it's one you'll have to do again and again. The more you practice, the stronger your muscles of forgiveness will become.

The final phase in the forgiving process is to release or renew the relationship.

The Fourfold Path is not complete unless the final stage is completed: releasing or resuming the relationship with the offender. You decide whether to keep the individual in your life or send them on their way throughout this stage of the procedure.

"What relationship?" you may wonder if you don't know the individual who damaged you. However, the act of being injured has built a bond between you. Every time you think about the culprit, you expend emotional energy and take up mental space. The step of renewing or terminating the connection is intended to liberate you.

When you decide to rekindle a relationship, you are not attempting to recreate the previous state. You're instead inventing something fresh. It means you must consider what you require from that individual in order to heal. Do you require them to be able to listen to you and recognize your pain? Is it necessary for them to explain why they did it? Or do you need them to pay reparations or make other amends? It is a strong act to ask for what you require. If the individual can meet your requirements, it could be the foundation for a new relationship, strengthened by all you've been through together.

You may opt to end the connection if the individual is unable to listen or accept accountability, or if you do not feel secure with them. That is, you choose to forgive them and send them forth to live their lives with your blessings. You don't have to say it specifically. You can also do it mentally.

This decision, like the others on the Fourfold Path, may take some time. You don't have to speed through it. Only you will know whether you are ready to renew or end your contact with the person or individuals who mistreated you.

Conclusion:

Even the simplest act of forgiveness has a huge impact on the world. Millions of tiny interactions between people contribute to the overall quality of human life on Earth. Whether those interactions result in relationship breakdowns or peace and regeneration has an impact on the fundamental fabric of our communities.

Forgiveness isn't about being passive or giving individuals who have mistreated you a pass. On the contrary, it is about learning to voice your pain, ask for what you require, and hold others accountable.

And if you know you've wounded someone, even in a minor way, it's about learning to accept responsibility for your actions. To be able to listen to their narrative without being defensive, to ask for forgiveness, and to make apologies.

There is no deed that cannot be forgiven, and there is no person who is undeserving of forgiveness. Frequently, the first person you must forgive is yourself.

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